Archive for April, 2010


Why So Serious?

The goth party came and went.
I don’t really know what to say. It was another failure. You know, failure doesn’t even come CLOSE.
I dunno about these Goths. I guess they are more than sad, there is something wrong with them. I guess that’s why, the night ended the .. uh unique… way that it did.
I tried though, I really did.
I used my lingo, showed off my dance moves, I got deep, I broke conversations with a sneaky joke, but to no avail.

Simon Brown. Lone Ranger. Nomad.


Saturday Night Fever

So I guess this is part where I tell you one of the reasons I am finding it so hard to find a group of people I can hang out with. I mean people our age, they don’t go to a coffee shop and just sit next to anyone they like (I tried it, verrrry awkward.) They go ‘out,’ to places with music, where you don’t have to talk, just dance. This struggles for two main reasons.

ONE: I am a very charismatic person. I have spent a long time in perfecting my personality; I follow all the rules, do some research, I am complimentary and I listen. However, if I don’t get to talk to people over the music what are they going to be able to judge me on?

TWO: Dancing. That is exactly what they will judge me on, and I cannot dance. Not at all. Not in the smallest sense of the world. I have tried, god I have tried. I can jump, I can step, I can sway, but I can’t really do them all together.
I have analyzed my lack of rhythm into some graphs, and you can see that each of my separate dance moves, they work well, and in rhythm. But for the life of me, I cannot get them to compound together to create a full dancing body.
Simply put, I can only dance in one dimension. That is why I think this Goth party might work at well for me, it is only in one dimension, jumping up and down. I better get practicing….

OHHHHH…. If only…


The Day That Was…

Okay, so I’m here to let you know that the Speed Dating didn’t really work out.
I don’t really know why. I mean I tried. I followed all the advice, did all the research, and for some reason no one really wanted a bar of me at all.

Ultimately it end, with the one girl I really thought it was working out well with, well she hit me. She hit me hard.
I am not exactly sure what I did to offend her so much but I have this pulsating black eye now, and while initially I thought that would make me look tough, I am just embarrassed.
I think maybe she was foreign or something, and in their culture my smooth moves were way to confronting?
Yeah, there was definitely something wrong with her. I guess I’m lucky I got out of it with only a black eye!
Speed Dating is for the desperate, and I am most certainly not desperate.

I’ve been looking online by writing this, and I have made a decision. Emos, metalheads, goths – you know those people that wear black all the time and cry, and bang their heads a lot and stuff? That could be me! I could be one of those…

So I have been googling Goths an it really doesn’t look like it’s very hard to be one. Just wear black. Say scary things. Listen to scary music.

I think this is where I really belong. I can be one of these people. I mean all they do is sit around and eat, talk scary stuff and jump up and down to music. This is good because I am an awful dancer. Like god awful dancer. I guess that is another story though..


Before The War Began

So this is just a really quick vid Alistair threw together before the Speed Dating the other day.
I know, I know, I haven’t really gone through it all yet on my blog.
Suffice to say, I guess it didn’t really go to plan.
I’m not going to lie. I am a catastrophic failure.
I do my research. I listen to what people tell me to do. I act in a way that is meant to be ‘socially acceptable,’ and nothing.
Anyway, here is a vid, I hope this at least gets me some more viewers.


You lied to me

Time: 11pm
Mood: Exhausted, tired, weak
Okay, I’m not quite ready to delve in the after math of what happened at the Speed Dating.
I’m still recovering okay.
God I hate this, I hate this so much.

Anyway all I want to say, is that despite what you may believe (I know I did), you cannot believe everything you hear on the Internet. Here are Simon Brown’s tips for Speed Dating.

The following pickup lines do not work:

I may not be a genie but I can make your dreams come true

Are your legs tired, because you’ve been running through my mind all day long.

Hi, I’m Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.

If looks could kill you would be a weapon of mass destruction.
You – “Did it hurt”. The other person will naturally say “Did what hurt?”, You – “When you fell from heaven.”
Excuse me, can you empty your pockets? I believe you have stolen my heart.
Do you have a map? Because I just keep getting lost in your eyes!
You say “I bet you $20 I can kiss you without using my lips.” She says, “Bet’s on.”

Okay there were a lot.
But they were all genius….or so I thought.



I have had the most brilliant idea.
I was talking to my cousin Alistair ( great kid, pity is only 12) about my blog and facebook, and my mission to meet new people, and he told me that most blogs have videos on them. THAT’S how they get people to watch them! By posting videos.
So I have enlisted Alistair to come along with me to the Speed Dating and yeah, I will TOTALLY have a video of my success with the l a d i e s.


Then I can finally get some people reading my killer blog.


Preparing for Battle

So today is the day. I found a Speed Dating luncheon at a local cafe in the city, so this is where I am really going to and have a crack at meeting some new people.
I was looking online for tips and tricks, and while in my meandering, I came across a few major points of reference to try and get a proper conversations going….

Pay Attention to Your Appearance (goes without saying…)
Watch Your Body Language (smiles can make or break a date)
Don’t Be a Whiner (I am really a very positive person..)

Popular Questions to Prepare For:
* What are you most proud of in your life?
* Is religion important to you?
* What do you do for fun?
* Why did your last relationship end (Break-Up)?
* Do you want to get or have you ever been married?
* Do you want or do you have any children?
* If we got into an argument, how would we settle it?
* Where do you see yourself in five years?
* What do you do for work?
* Is sexual compatibility important to you?
* What do you look for in a (boy/girl)friend/spouse?

Some of these seem pretty daunting.
I did a lot of research and have decided that I can steer around a few answers that might make me look like a loser.
Loser Answer : Yeah I live by myself.
Winner Answer: I choose to live a really solitary life.

Loser Answer: Oh no, I have never had a girlfriend.
Winner Answer: When I meet the right girl, I’ll know. And that will be it for me.

Loser Answer: I have never had sex before.
Winner Answer: Intimacy is the most important thing to me.

I sound like a woman, I swear. But from what I’ve read, chicks dig that SNAG shit. I’m in for sure.

Today from 11:00am-1:00pm I will be speed dating a lucky few at Caffiene at Vault Cafe on Swanston St, Melbourne.

If any of my female readers are available, I’d love to chat. Come down for a coffee, I am pretty sure it is free to sign up.

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